I guess i grew up immaturely and always the hard way.
i always lied, cheated, and was cunning. and i thought mummy hated me for that, so i thought i was no.1 hate figure in the family. i thought mummy was always trying to outsmart me so i would always tell aunty nur "she want to be cunning? i will be more cunning"

and because of that, i always had to be on my toes, watching out. all because i was always lying. always trying to smuggle my way through things. and as a result, i've become a very cautious person. cautious of a lot of people and just generally life. cautious towards my steps in life. i always thought no one is protecting me, i have to do the job myself.

by the time i grew to pri. 5 or so and realised i was wrong, it was all too late. everything that had happened had changed me. i am a changed person each day. wary of people around me and what they're saying, weary or people watching me and just weary towards everybody. i cant open up anymore. this is the furthest i can go, i keep telling myself. i only opened up to Dorcas and korkor, i've never been so open.

and i think that's also why im so happy around them. because i dont have to be weary, i really dont. i can spill any beans i want to and lay my cards on the table clear and visible. nothing stops me. i'm a conflict personality. i am SO open about what i say and what i do at home. but i dont want people to see me right through. i am SO open about everything that happens but i dont want anybody to know how i feel. its conflict, what a brave inner conflict i have?

i think im beginning to become melancholic. i think everybody WOULDN'T describe me as sanguine but instead phlegmatic. im extremely laid back, and too happy-go-lucky. well at least that's how friends would describe me. im not laid back. i care A LOT about a lot of things happening around me, Dorcas, my family, my friends, the EARTH!! lots of things, i just dont put studies as first priority. not like eunice ;D.

i think vincent is right, im shallow. very shallow compared to him. but oh well.. i think i think deep too much, at this rate i'll be american emo-hero!! NOOOOOOOO!!

and i guess i was wrong about christine, she wasn't aiming at me about the stoical thing, it was just a remark. i guess once again, im paranoid and over-cautious.