i'm quite pissed with my brother. first time in weeks, really. i don't know why whenever i blog, it's always complaining. oh well, i guess that's what people do eh?



so we were studying together in my room. and halfway through, i said "korkor, you know about the rapture thing? the one second before the end of the world thing? dorcas told me.."



and he cut me off halfway and said "cheryl, would you just stop asking questions about these"



then i said "no, but dorcas told me.."



and he said "if you're going to continue asking me, i'll tell the whole church you're asking me these questions. you're obsessed over it!"



and then i said "i'm not supposed to ask?"



then he said "it's not that, you're obsessed over it!"



and my mum thinks i'm over-domineering in class. all because huimin laoshi told her that i'm mainly the one speaking in BS.

i'm pissed by the fact that my eagerness can be viewed as obsession, cowardness and domineering. i'm pissed by the fact that my mum and bro have misunderstood this point about me. i don't mind they misunderstand other points, but NOT this point about me! it is eagerness, not obsession, please.

they should know that everyone in bs class: abigail, jieting, yixin and xiaoxuan all have the same questions i have in mind, but i'm the one that dares to ask! why have i never gotten anything good out of my guts? my guts cause me to get into trouble, get misunderstood, get used by.

if this is how huimin laoshi looks at me, a person who is obsessed over the end of the world, a domineering freak, and a fake, i don't even want to go to bs anymore. i can't stand a teacher who views me like that!

and i bet this is all in a moment of anger and tomorrow it's gonna be over, or maybe not? but i'm just so angry, that huimin laoshi has decided to name me as the domineering one. why not name abigail as the suck up teachers pet? xiaoxuan as the go-with-the-flow person? jieting as the not-so-able-to-think person? and yixin as the.. okay i don't know what to say about yixin.

and i'm not insulting jieting. she's the nicest person anyone has been to me in church, besides dorcas and constance. she's not not-so-able-to-think, it's quite random really. cause it's just an example. but the point is, why name ME the one?

why does my mum jump at every opportunity to put me down. the moment she hears the teacher say i talk too much, she'll say i'm going overboard, i'm being domineering again. when please, the teacher is just asking me to be less excitable.

why does even my brother now misunderstand me? he's getting a worse and worse impression of me, i can tell.

I'm gonna write a letter to Ant and Dec! i wanna thank them:D

They were the ones who started my whole weird liking. they were the ones who started my liking to oldies. i mean i always liked oldies, but i never actually liked liked them. and i never remembered the title and stuff.

They were the ones who started my Westlife obsession. I remember it was when Ant and Dec were doing a Queen tribute on Ant v Dec, and Danni Minogue, the X factor judge was judging. And in The Sun papers they wrote something about Danni Minogue being an X Factor judge. So i remembered in an ant and dec forum, there was lots of talk about X Factor.

So i decided to check it out. And I LOVVVVVED X factor. without ant and dec, i wouldn't even have known what X factor was, or who rhydian was, or who danni and kylie minogue was, or who celine dion was(well i would just that i wouldn't actually know that the cd playing in my car was a celine dion cd)

And one week, the special guests were Westlife with their newest single "I'm Already There" and duh i was like "WESTLIFE?!?! I LOVED THEM!" at that time, i didn't love them. i loved them once. so i was like, okay shall listen to it. and then i was like holy shit, they're amazing!

So yeah, without ant and dec, there wouldn't be any westlife or rhydian or X factor(which led to Dancing on Ice) or danni minogue or kylie minogue or celine dion in my life.

And then Westlife led me to Bette Midler, The Eagles, The Beatles, Billy Joel, and yeah lots more. All the oldies.

So i really ought to thank Ant and Dec! although i would have to pay more than half tribute to Westlife, Westlife did start from Ant and Dec! :D:D

Gee, what i sad life i woulda led without Ant and Dec..

Friday was really fun, went to Ikea with janine, emily, leanne and wenyuan. So funny, kept laughing my arse off. And Wenyuan is a pri.4 kid who has to cover herself in her jacket because if she doesn't, she won't be allowed in the taxi anymore:D

Saturday was boring. Band was so-so, did Ave Verum Corpus. yucks. went for tuition. day-dreamed my way past there.

Sunday! Is always the day of.. i don't know, of enlightenment. or whatever, and i really don't know why. I really ought to pray for my brother, he may be studying so hard, but i figured that his spiritual life is getting weaker and weaker. mummy says that she feels that god is asking her to do something for him, so she says she's gonna fast. Which is the hardest thing for her to do. so i'm going to pray for both of them. lol i feel like a lazy bugger. my bro's studying like mad. my mum's fasting and praying for him. while i'm just praying for them while falling asleep halfway through.

i'm in such a good mood today! 生命在于你主！is what i kept singing today. and my happiness does come from whether i not i decide to place my trust in him:D

I have "Ave Verum Corpus", stupid song. And i wonder why do i sound so horrible playing it. It's so easy, yet we sound horrible.

After band, ruyue and I stayed back because I had to keep all the scores and find my stupid card which i lost while jamie just left without helping me. I don't know why, but I cried. I said that 'i'm so frustrated that i can't find my card, and jamie just left when it is her job to collect the cards'. But that wasn't the real reason i cried. far from it, in fact. i don't even know why i cried!

Just came back from tuition. I read my yearbook. And this is what joanna wrote "Dear Cheryl, Thks fro being such a good friend. I will always remember you. Gd luck for whatever u do in life. Try not to get into too much trouble and slow down in your relationships. Best wishes for your PSLE Results"

And that really reminded me of how i was in primary school. To live one day and not get into trouble with any of the teachers is really something quite remarkable. And i remember when i met leon on maplestory, and met him once. Then broke up with him. lmao! That really reminded my so much of primary school. I miss all my mates in primary school, and now, I've lost contact with all of them. Oh fuck.

Pretty much a sob now, just that i'm keeping it all inside. i'm not actually crying, i hope i can get joanna's email when somebody goes online. joanna, that girl who sat next to me for almost two years. I remember i was sitting with swetha, then we talked too much and i had to be transferred. sat next to michelle next, still talked too much! then sat next to joanna. totally shut up. then we started talking a whole lot of crap, loved her! as much as we fought, literally, i scratched her like mad, and quarrelled, she'll forever be one of my bestest friends. to think i actually lost contact with her.

How pathetic am i.

I almost decided to quit blogging. Well at least on this blog, but i decided not to afterall.

I'm listening to "The Rose" by Westlife. Love it, it's ace. Just listened to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. I just can't stop listening to it, whole family's gotten into it since two years ago.

Just came back from band, taking a lift home from mr desouza!! :D:D

It was way fun, because I don't have to carry my freaking bag and squeeze in the mrt. But I shall refrain from asking him to send me home, unless he offers me a ride home. It's basic courtesy ain't it.

Today, us trombones sounded horrible. So I don't wanna talk about it. Leanne and i were in a super uber bad mood. Neither do i want to talk about it. But i ditched wenyuan to take a ride home from mr de souza. wait no, because mr desouza OFFERED me a ride home:D

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-brr-ann! Nice song, listened to it on Kaijun's blog. I'm much happier now, after not blogging for a few days. after cooling down, after thinking it through.

I'm pretty bored, I've just gotten into actually STUDYING. i got back my chinese test, 32.5/40! WHOO! an improvement from the last one. Last one i got 27/40, considerably one of the lowest, due to failing my comprehension badly, i think it was a 3-6/16.

Getting back geog paper tomorrow. Yucks, mr teo's gonna pick on me.. and plus i hate geog.

pissed with mun. fucking pissed, in fact. but i shall forget it.

and i'm currently just putting everything away. so what if i hate sy. there are people in sy that i like a lot, just many people in sy that i hate a lot more. so.. oh well. i'm much happier now. esp after band:D and getting back my thumbdrive!!

like HOLYSHIT! those bands are so pro, and the trombonists are AMAZINGGGGGG.

yesterday i finally found myself having no trouble reaching high f. WHOOOHOOOO! as in sometimes i can't, but most of the time i can without having to squeeze! unless i was just lucky yesterday...

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY NEXT WESTLIFE DVD! GREATEST HITS TOUR! and the next next one would be Face to Face or something.

i hope ms choo would play westlife's version of the rose during lang arts if she were to play the rose. instead of bette midler's version, although i do like bette midler, she's an inspiration. but westlife is a whole different thing:D

i'm starting to gain interest in poems, after two weeks of torture!

i feel so insecure, so emotional that it turns emotionless and i suddenly find myself unable to feel.

just talked to christine. i feel like a big sob now. why do i seem so disconnected with the whole of sy?

why can't i connect with them. why does everyone have close friends. while i have none. or should i put it this way, why does everyone have so many close friends while i only have like, one or two? maybe only one.

am i so hard to understand? i thought i'm the simplest to understand. everybody seems to think so, too. but the fact is, the outer me is so easy to understand. the inner me is pretty easy to understand. but me, just me, is hard to understand. and hard to know.

and it's just hard to get along with, probably. is that i'm being hard to understand, or is it them? why can't i get close to sy? i don't seem to see anybody who shares anything in common with me.

and that's why i love band so much. because i love my section, i love leanne and wenyuan and chloe and sarah and kaijun and kym and janine and emily and i just love band! leanne and i share much more in common. we all can't really get along with our classes. just in different ways. hers being the much more severe one. i just can't connect with my class, her class hates her. and wenyuan and i share much more in common. just leanne and wenyuan share more in common in me compared to sy-ians. i find sy-ians... quite petty and small headed.

why am i so weird? why does everyone who knows me thinks i'm weird. i feel like Heather from America's Next Top model cycle 9 now. that girl with autism. just that i don't have autism. i just have trouble getting along or something. oh god.

like why do i like oldies? why do i like westlife? why do i like clay aiken? why do i like ant and dec? why do i like the weirdest shows? why do i like the weirdest shit!

why do i react the weirdest ways? why am i so weird? i don't think that's actually being called unique, i think it's called weird. unique is everybody. weird is just people like me. it's not a good thing, no it isn't.

today's band was seriously slack. well, it wasn't exactly slack. but sectionals were.

10.30-12.30 sectionals. for two hours, we barely touched our instruments. we played with the ropes, used them as swings, hung around the monkeybars, climbed up the monkey bars and sat there to take lots of pictures. camwhoring! which i didn't like.

then wenyuan came up with the stupidest idea in the world, sit on top of the monkeybars AND play the trombone. so, i went up first. followed by leanne. then wenyuan passed me my instrument, passed leanne hers, and then passed her instrument to leanne, too. and then went up herself. so we all messed around with our trombone up on the monkeybars.

and then tried playing the trombone while sitting on the seesaw. lmao! and then we got tired so leanne and I went to buy drinks. i bought a milo packet from the vending machine, and h-two-o for wenyuan while leanne played the flute with kym and chloe.

and then i went to the khoo audi's vending machine to buy Lay's chips and cheezels. and then went back to poor wenyuan, who waited for 10mins doing nothing but taking care of our instruments. and then next to go was leanne and wenyuan to buy more chips. and after finishing, wenyuan and i went to buy more drinks. lol.

we were seriously the slack-iest section today. but to make up for it, leanne and i brought our trombones home! and wenyuan's gonna play her wenting's trombone at home! so we can probably master big fun in the sun by thursday and ask mr desouza for a new scoresheet, specially for trombones:D

i can't wait for thursday! to get back my thumbdrive from mr desouza with all the band music and christian lindberg's pieces in it! plus, my ulcer and bruise on my lip will finally be gone and i can actually play properly so i can master the piece!! can't wait.

i'm so stoked about JBF. which apparently, wenyuan calls Johor Bahru Festival. funny shit.

YES! IT IS FINALLY FRIDAY!

i thought friday was never going to come. i've accomplished a lot today. cleared the home econs file thing, got back my picasso and art folio, the vocab book thingy and.. oh, nothing else. but i feel much more relaxed after clearing these anw.

and the first lesson of the day had to be geog! oh god, i was gonna faint. well not exactly faint, but sleep. and i did. i buried my hand under my arms which lay on the table and slept, knowing that mr teo knew.

everything about geog he was explaining, i wasn't paying attention. until.. he said the word "bikini and underwear" and signals were transmitted to my head somehow. and i immediately woke up, lifted my head and looked at him.

big mistake lmao. he said "see, i say bikini and underwear then you wake up." and gived me that cheeky look. oh god, he must be thinking that i'm a freaking pervert.

and then we started talking about hard liquor. Brandy, Vodka and stuff. he said beer was poor man's goods. it's true. that's what my bro says, too. i guess all guys say that.:D:D

went to kfc after lunch. awfully full, but as usual, the crispy chicken was great stuff. and then i went home.

so here i am now, listening to christian lindberg. and as leanne said, he is "crazy good". it's true.

after the trombone section masters big fun in the sun, mr desouza told us to get new scoresheets from him. he said that we have the ability to play really well, just that we need to push ourselves harder although he knows we're already pushing ourselves. so he says push HARDER. god, that sounds wrong.

he also said the mistake many sec 1's make is that when you're the best section, you slack and slack and get complacent. and when you become sec 2, you're just mediocre. so that's why he said always raise the bar so he asked us to get new scoresheets from him when we've mastered our pieces. which i'm sure i will by thursday! EXTREMELY SURE.

can't wait for tomorrow's band prac. except for drills. god, i hope there's no drills. AT ALL. and no sectionals. AT ALL. so we can have the whole time for band. probably in the spice rooms. yucks, i wish we could use the band room. but too bad, that's for seniors. so i can't wait to be one!

here's one of christian lindberg's videos. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_63lbGn4XBw it's amazing, seriously.

today's band was, YAYYAYYAY!!!

the band prac itself was great, because we finally did big fun in the sun! which was awesome, although my lips were so tired and i couldn't play properly. i was so nervous when mr desouza turn to the trombone section and ask "who's trombone 1?" and then i said "me" skeptically. i must've played something wrong somewhere or something.

and after awhile, he said "cheryl, play your high F for me" then i played. and he just nodded his head. god, did my High F sound horrible?

but at least i can reach High F! and high D as ease, i think. saturday's band prac is gonna be amazing! because finally zi lin or zi ling or whatever is playing the drums. so it'll sound so good! yes, i can't wait!!

and then after band prac, i asked mr desouza if i could take a lift home, lmao! and chloe's gonna kill me, along with wenyuan and leanne and sarah and all the people who know. LMAO!

it was more fun than the last ride home. this time we talked.. more? i don't know, but it wasn't that awkward. and he told me that "Blue bells of Scotland" is a classic trombone piece. so he let me listen to it in his car. AMAZINGGG.

and then he told me "christian lindberg" is one of the best trombonists in the world. so right now, i keep listening to him. HE IS AMAZINGGGG. and he never bores me, strange. for i am a person who is easily bored.

i'm gonna buy a christian lindberg cd. it's great stuff, really. haha, sarah's gonna start the whole "mr desouza likes you" thing.

oh well, but it was so fun. i swear, i mustmustmust bring my thumbdrive on saturday! i'll take my mum's, since i lost mine:D

i can't wait for saturday's band prac!!

oh god. today is just another of those TERRIBLE days.

i find myself in a very unfamiliar situation. i'm skipping french. so that's why i'm home. okay that's besides the point. normally, i would be actually going "am i going to go for 3rd lang? fine, yes" and then "should i... but..." "yes, i will" "i don't think so.." but in the end i'll go.

now it's, "shall i skip french? yesyesyes!" and then it's the other way round. i try to tell myself i shouldn't, but it's just reverse psychology. i'm actually 'pretending' to try. i'm not even trying not to skip french, it's just an excuse to make myself feel better.

today, i'm going to try to use a softer approach and convince my mum to let me quit french. for the THIRD time. i hope all goes well, really.

and alyssa is just freaking pissed with me. so tomorrow i need to pay $10 for the band fund, instead of $5.

it was actually some sort of miscommunication. i DID look for janine. and when i wanted to pass her the money, i realised that if i passed her the money, i would have nothing for recess and lunch. so i asked if she could pay for me. and then i didn't actually hear exactly what she was saying, so i assumed it was a yes and walked off. in actual fact, she asked me to go and see alyssa!

so i didn't. and alyssa was dam pissed. using words like "bullshit" and stuff. oops, so i ought to pay $10 anw.

molly and I are signined up for the Great Eastern 5km run thing. and we're trying to convince Kiran. she should run! Yolanda, Huifen, Natalie and more are signing up already. i think it'll be fun. although i'm not very fit.

well, if i were to go to french on monday. i would take valerie or yuki's car. so at least i won't sweat like mad.

one thing that cheered me up today was when i was on thecommitted.net, i read this article about shane. he says Nicole is like an eight year old in a two year old's body. she even refuses to call her Daddy. she would be like "Shane, listen to me!" and shane would say "My name is Daddy!"

funny. and cute. haha. so okay, i'm gonna start on my work now. sigh.

ohoh and i forgot to add something!

we were having sectionals at the chess part of the canteen. the one with the enormous chess set, the computers and the piano. that enclosed area.

yeah so wenyuan and I were bored. so this is what we did. we used our trombone slide to knock down the chess pieces one by one. all the black ones. and we accidentally hit two of the white ones in the "frontline".

so leanne was "yay! the evil is gone!" well cause black is evil. and then she said "oh no, two of the white were also killed". and i said "they have sacrificed for their country. died for their country. i will salute them" so all three of us saluted them and made the white chess pieces salute the "dead" white chess pieces lol.

and wenyuan said that we were being "oh my god, that's so lame. hahahahahah".

and we left all the chess pieces toppled on top of each other, in a mess and just continued playing. then i was doing the sound i do when my trombone is stuck with saliva. the "BIAAAK" and then i saw ms choo and mrs fern staring at me as they walked by. lmao!

then the other teacher asked us why the chess pieces were so messy. we just chuckled. and ms choo kept looking at me. oh no, i bet she's going to mention this in class or something. or probably remember it for the day :S. and just as they left wenyuan shouted "cute bag, mrs fern"

LMAO! first, that's so act-bimbo of typical wenyuan. secondly, the timing was just perfect. lol, classic. i'm gonna stock up on biscuits and jelly sticks for the extra sectionals we're gonna have during saturday. i'm in love with those coke-jelly sticks.

i can't believe i'm listening to "Tide is High" by atomic kittens. god, now i don't really like that song. i just received tracks from "Allow us to be Frank". that westlife album. one of their worst. shame.

it's actually Frank Sinatra. they're doing all frank sinatra's songs. cover versions. so it's allow us to be frank. lmao.

i'm in such a good mood today!

hooray! i think today's band prac went fine, i could finally play!! YESYESYES!!

and after band prac, wenyuan and I chased mr desouza and i shouted "mr desouza! mr desouza! can you give us a lift home?" and when i looked back, i realised that wenyuan had sabo-ed me and left me alone!

then mr desouza asked me where i live and i said Bishan and he was going to Ang Mo Kio. so i did get a lift home in the end! he actually listens to band music in the car! and as wenyuan said "so passionate". it's true. so i'm gonna bring my thumbdrive on thursday so he can help me transfer those songs. there was this REALLYREALLY good trombone solo with a pianist. he said that that trombonist was one of the best.

i can't wait for sec 2! i can't wait to have juniors, really! it'll be so fun. i hope our future juniors (although currently we are) will be fun, talkative, playful and good!!! like us, just that we're not so much of the umm, good.

and forget yesterday, i just went nuts. i think i'm muchmuch better now. phew!

oh and isn't it weird when you hear a song and you hate it, you go "yucks, this song sucks" but when you hear it again and you realise that it's the song you used to love as a kid you would automatically stop to listen to it?

yeah that happened to me. i think during december, my bro said "cheryl! come, listen to this song" and i listened. after that i was like "huh? i don't like that song" and walked off. and then a week ago, i find myself humming an extremely familiar tune and the lyrics are "looking back on when we first met, i cannot escape and i cannot forget"

so i just reached home, and went to check the lyrics up. it's "Whole Again" by atomic kittens. and it's the same song my bro asked me to listen to. and i listened to it on YouTube, and i do like it. i don't know if it brings nostalgia, or something else. but there's just something about that song, i love it.

yeah so that's weird. and leanne, wenyuan and I agreed that working with the french horn section is the best! cause they're so hardworking and they have similar scoresheets. not saying that we're not hardworking. are we? yeah and so today when we were put together with the flutes and trumpets, i went to ask victoria "could we play with the french horns because..." when i haven't even finished explaining, she just said "no" !!!! then i continued saying "cause we have very similar scoresheets" and she said "no, cause you all will talk"

??!?!?! will we? the french horn section suuuper hardworking! and that's why we're going back during saturday for extra sectionals together:D:D

okay now i'm in hysterics, sobbing like mad. dustbin full of tissues. nose block, as a result ears blocked, too.

i mean come on, when i want to do what is up to me! like, if you wanna plan what i do for the night. it's fine with me. but you wanna plan what time i do what? what should i do first? isn't that a little too much. i'm not a 5-year old anymore you know.

and if you find talking to me like talking to an idiot like you say "like you, always talk crap", why are you even talking to me? when you entered the room, i thought you wanted a heart-to-heart chat, but in the end, you just wanted to boss me over somemore.

if i wanna pack my bag first or clear my table is also up to you eh? if i want to do "Rivers" or "Volcanoes" for geography and how much i touch on each topic is also up to you eh? and when we quarrel, you go seek help from Daddy, and the pastors. so the whole world knows that i quarrelled with you and i'm the bastard here. not you, because it's your story.

i mean come on, fuck it! i'm sick and tired of you planning everything for me. i wanna know what is my goal in life, i wanna know if i really like geography and whatever i study, or is it because you're asking me to study. why can't i be like other people, who can actually study BY THEMSELVES?

i know why discipline is such a hard word for me now.

okay forget all the things i said in that hysterical post. i love band, i love big fun in the sun, i know i can do it, i'm on my way there, leanne's not horrible, wenyuan's not horrible, and i love sectionals. and i know that third trombone isn't the worst. so there, phew.



i'm just real pissed with my mum. i told her from the bottom of my heart, finally. "mummy, i'm actually thinking of quitting french"



and she doesn't allow me to quit?!?! her reason is, "you should have listened to us when we told you not to take."



it's not even valid. i SHOULD have, but i didn't. so what you want me to do huh? the reason why i insisted on taking is that i didn't want to live the year thinking "damn, i coulda taken french" i wanna take it, if i can't, drop it, thinking "At least i tried, and it sucks"



why doesn't she get that? she's not wasting her time and money. and just when i was about to explain to her what i thought, she just took her bloody bag and walked away. and i said "MUMMY CAN YOU NOT WALK OFF AND LET ME TALK" and the fucking reason she gave was "I need to eat dinner and call korkor's tuition teacher"



oh, so listening to her daughter's opinion isn't important, clearing things up so we both won't spend the night angry isn't important? i realise whenever i talk to her, she'll either ask me to stop wasting time or just hurry up with my work and stop talking before she flares up.



if she considers me talking to her a bloody waste of time, FINE! i shall stop talking to her! she should even be glad that I keep wanting to talk to her. not in the whole of the past two weeks have i been able to talk to her. why not? because she finds it a waste of time!



i've thought about how i would disappoint my parents when i quit french. cause they're really proud that i can, cause my bro can't. but i can't take something i don't like because they like it. i know this isn't all about me, me, me. but it isn't about them.



i realised in May that i'm taking french just because i think it's a cool language, a language very few people in Singapore know. oh it's so cool. that's all. not because i'm interested in it or i really like it. so i do plan to quit no matter what my mum thinks!

and tomorrow's band prac. i can't, can't, can't wait!! yay! because i'm no longer struggling with high D!!! yippeeeeee!! i'm still struggling with high F, but so what? YAY!