i haven't posted for days. and when i finally take the effort to, something freaking wrong must've happened. just quarrelled with my mum again. that bitch.



she told me to practice my piano 1/2hr a day instead of 15mins, i'm already not too happy that there's a fixed time. i don't get it, i really don't. i have proven to her that i've only taken two exams in my whole life, and i've got distinction for both. BOTH. with 15mins of practice a day.

if she's fucking unhappy about me failing my exams, playing the piano lousily, then fine. but i've proven to her by getting distinctions. the piano teacher has said i have very good technique and skill. and it's not only my pieces, i still scored well for sight reading. what does that show?



and you fucking threaten to... call the church pastor and the piano teacher? and you treat it as an argument when all i'm trying to do is convince you?? and you tell me to talk outside the car, i know why. you don't want daddy to hear it. i always thought the reason you don't want daddy to hear it is that you don't want daddy to get upset.



but guess what you fucking said?

'do you know what are the main cause about daddy and me quarreling? IT'S YOU. you forgetten already right? but i haven't'

FUCK OFF ALREADY! ME?! i'm so fucking pissed, is this what you think of me? cheryl = cause of my problems. well thank you very much, might as well fucking disown me.

first i'm so upset when you say that. have you got any idea at all how hurting that is? it just brings up all the not-so-good memories. the part where guilt fills every space of me. 'i don't want to be a useless person like daddy'. shit me, really shit me. this is the only sentence i can remember word for word. normally i'd forget after a few days besides the key words,for 5 years of my life, i remember that sentence so clearly. have you any idea how much hurt you fucking caused?

then it goes to disappointment. the fact that you still think it's me, is so freaking dumb! it's just plain immature. i can't believe your own daughter has more brains than you. and don't use the 'because mummy uses all her money to educate you' reason. it doesn't work, cause it's just common sense. you don't need education to get common sense.

until now you still have no idea why your marital relationship is super bad. don't blame it on me! i'm not being an asshole. but seriously, it's not my fault. blame yourself! for everything. you sound like Arrogant when you're talking to him. absolutely condescending tone. you love to insult him and make him feel like the worse person on earth. you've made him give up on you and not try to change you cause everytime he does, a big quarrel arises.

after ALL you've done to him, you blame me? it's not so much of her being unreasonable about my piano anymore. it's got to do with that one fucking statement. you blame me. after all these years of not quarreling with daddy anymore. because DADDY GIVES IN, not you, so don't get ego about it, you still blame me. you still can never forget. you still love to harp on it. you think it's harmless. you think your daughter doesn't care. you think she doesn't get hurt. you think she's not sensitive enough to get hurt. you don't care what impact that sentence has on me. you don't think about what you say. and you still talk to me after dinner asking me to reflect.

this is the first time i haven't talked to you for 1 hr straight even when you talk to me. i expect you to come in my room and try to talk things out and maybe sort things out, you come in to say 'after dinner you immediately go to the comp, because it is what you love. i'm not saying you can't, but you want to bargain with me about the time you need to play the piano? ni zi ji qu fan xing'

thank you so much for that oh so comforting sentence after you hurt me bad. you love to do that every year. bringing up the 'you're the main cause' thing again and again. most children would probably be angry because their parents threaten them with that. i'm just upset by the fact that she loves to bring it up, and can never forget it and doesn't think about what it does to me.

the only two times i'm so upset i can't even talk is when i talk about the whole useless guy like you incident, and family quarrels. and thank you so much, you've just done it again.

no, i don't hate you. but i sooner or later will.

now i'm really wondering why i want to get into 2sy. is it to continue being happy about being smart? to be happy that i'm smart-er? to satisfy and assure myself that i'm able to be smart?

like seriously, why do i want to go to 2sy. i tell myself, i'm born-lazy, and being in sy has influenced me to work hard and has really been a positive influence so far so just another year and i would become as hardworking as ever. but is that really how it would be?

i have no idea why i want to get into 2sy anymore.

i feel so guilty now, and today's supposed to be happy day isn't it.

first of all, i regret so much for not studying. i keep telling myself i don't care anymore, i can go to PE or GR for all i care, i'm gonna fail whatever, i don't care. the fact it, i do care. i care so much, and i really wanna do well. just that i couldn't bring myself to study. and now i regret not having the discipline to study. i rarely regret about things since i never like looking back and saying how stupid i was cause i normally like my decisions, but i'm just filled with regret. i wouldn't ever want monday to come actually..

second of all, i hope and pray that dorcas does well enough to come to sc, try all means to explain to her that $200 isn't expensive and it's worth it. i wish and pray that she would do extremely well and go to either rgs or sc, never to st. nics. so it's either she does better than 254 or better than 265. anywhere between that range so she'll go to either one. and then today i was supposed to help her with science, since she has her science psle tomorrow, i was lazy to call her to check if she was home. i kept playing the comp and watching movies, i was lazy to help her. and i wish and pray that she would do well when i'm so lazy to go over and see how she's going? gee, what a friend.

yeah so today's a boring day. done lots of things i never got to do. but still.... extremely boring.

actually, i don't know why am i obsessing over x factor when i have geog and lit exam tomorrow.

and HAHA!!!! AFTER GEOG AND LIT..... THERE'S NO MORE EXAMS! WHOOOOOOOOOO.

yeah and after exams would be back to band. senior band. oh god, how i dread it. and sarah says that all the seniors are very nice to her cause she knows fann. whatever. and that's not referring to sarah, that's referring to why the seniors like her. and kym or somebody told me lots of seniors hate our batch, except their own section juniors. which is true... i think.

i'm not going to thailand! phew, well actually i did want to go at the start. after seeing so many people backout, it's confirmed that we're definitely not going. even if i say yes. cause i think half of them aren't going. what a pity.. but still! phew lmao. wouldn't mind going to australia or.... UK though!! WHOOOO! but dream on, cheryl. haha.

so far let me see what i've studied. i've roughly finished chapters 1-4 of geog, rivers, halfway through natural vegetation, rocks and volcanoes, and yeah. that's all. i have lorms to study for:S

what have i done for lit? hmmmmm, a little bit of emily. just a tad bit. and nothing else. i can't be bothered after screwing up my lang arts 2 paper. i have no idea why i keep putting pressure on myself and yet telling myself i'm gonna screw up. thanks very much, conscience. or whatever the spelling is, i'm getting worse at my spelling lol.

ooooooh i smell crab now!!! :P

OMG I LOVE THE JUDGES CATEGORY EPISODEEEE!!!
there's shane helping louis!!!!:D:D:D

look at the groups faces when they opened the slip and realised they're going to ireland. they were like '....... louis is our mentor.......' SHIT THEM!!!! WAIT TILL THEY'VE FOUND OUT THAT SHANE IS HELPING OUTTT!!!

yeah and when they did, the girls went screaming mad!!! whooooooo. and that guy danny evans from the over 25's said that 'i think it's going to be one of the girls, i can't see it being louis' of course you can't!!! why would louis be going to st tropez? IRELAND'S THE BESTTTT!

and they played 'when you're looking like that' when the groups arrived at ireland and at louis house!! AND I CAN'T BELIEVE EOGHAN FROM THE GUYS CATEGORY SAID THAT HE'S FROM NORTHERN IRELAND AND THAT THERE'S NOT BEEN MANY BIG POP STARS AROUND.

:O:O:O:O:O OF COURSE THERE ARE!!!! HELLOOOOO... WESTLIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! and a little bit of boyzone:( but still.... WESTLIFE!

whoo i'm at part 2 now and i can't wait to finish watching. till the part where i see shane:D

omg i found this article while looking through x factor news. SHANE LOOKS MORE ADULT-ISH!!!! less baby-ish!! yayyyyy.

he must've lost weight due to his baby boy:D
SHANE HAD BABY FATSSSSSS! yeah in previous years, he had so much baby fats that i felt like pinching his cheeks and tummy. it's not fats. it's baby fats!

and now he's lost all of them baby fats. people say his head looks too big for his body again. not true!! i love him like that. he finally looks age. not some cute, cute baby you wanna pinch!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!

i can't wait for x factor today!! shane's in it! he's helping louis out with choosing the final 3 in louis' category, the groups. whoooo, double bonus:D

MWAHAHAHA I'VE JUST WRITTEN A LETTER TO JODIE!!

okay, too random. oh i was reading through that amk girl's tagboard and what i tagged on there. i realised oh shit, how snobbish i was! omg i must've been in a bad mood or something, or it must've been a friday.. or maybe just one of those boring days where i'm feeling grumpy. i was like, what is that me?!?! hell no, i'm not so snobbish! oh well, i can't possibly go there and tag again and say 'hey i'm back again! sorry for sounding so snobbish one month ago', that's just lame. oh well...

i feel like writing an email to ms choo and ask her about the themes of emily thingy. but i think she's already quite annoyed by the fact that i keep emailing her. well i dunno, she just seems quite pissed. oh and speaking of ms choo, i was reading some blog post from a few weeks ago or just last week about complaining about ms choo. and i realise how harsh it all sounded.

didn't really mean to make it sound so self-centered and harsh, i was just worried!! over-worrying. lol, ms choo's still a great teacher and i love her!!:D:D

i've just screwed up my lang arts 2 paper anyway. i'm probably going to 2PE or 2PR next year. i don't care anymore.

MWAAHAHAHAHAH!

i've convinced my dad into liking westlife. cause he watched 'the westlife show' on dvd with me. i burnt it into a dvd and played in on the telly:D

and he realised that they could sing really, really well. and he realises that 47 million albums is a huge, huge number! so he thinks that they're so famous cause they're talented, not cause they're good looking. well obviously, but i still think they're good-looking anyway!!

and i convinced my bro tooooo! he thinks that current westlife songs are better than the older and more popular ones. like 'my love', 'if i let you go', 'swear it again', 'i lay my love on you' and stuff. just that they had better promotion. and that they're okay, but michael buble is better. at least now he doesn't go 'westlife are crap!' he goes, 'westlife are... okay lah'

YAYYYYYYY! and my mum loves westlife too! she thinks shane's the hottest, though. can't argue with that. shane still isn't better than nicky..