saturday morning was just frustration, anger and bruised ego.





it was band. we received a new song, "Big Fun in the Sun". sounds like the worst title ever, but it's the nicest song ever.

the thing is, i'm 1st trombone! and yes, i was fucking happy!! but when i saw the scoresheet, i knew instantly i was gonna die. most notes above F. highest note is High F and there's about twenty of them. the starting goes like B and C, and D and E flat.





so fine, I can't play them!! during sectionals, i thought leanne would have at least HELPED me when i was struggling. but probably she found it a bore to teach someone a song compared to playing a song with someone else. and that someone else was Wenyuan. the two of them happily played the song together, saying "so nice! so nice!" and just kept saying that, obviously ignoring me, the fucking retard who can't play it yet.





i know i'm lousy, i know i can't play it, so would you just fucking help me out?!!? i kept struggling with the notes. i felt so frustrated. i love that song, yet i can't play it. i can't play it!





my ego was so bruised when leanne said "Wenyuan, you can play much higher notes than cheryl!" and blahblahblah. then she kept showing off how fast she can play during sectionals.





i have terrible tonguing, terrible articulation, and can't hit high notes. and i know that, so would you fucking help me instead of having fun with Wenyuan and calling me lazy.





leanne made emily angry and irritated without realising. i mean come on, emily's our senior! and so what if leanne's from DSA, we still have to respect our senior.





and when we played Blue Ridge Saga, or should i say, ever since we played blue ridge saga, when leanne and Wenyuan looked at my score, they would go "Oh my god, that's so easy!" or "Your score is so easy!" i know mr desouza gave me third trombone for a reason, because i'm the fucking worst. i finally realised why he didn't give me second trombone.



and i just felt so terrible, i went inside the toilet to escape from sectionals. at first i just stoned there, then i started crying. cause i felt like the ultimate worst. which i know in that section, i am!



and then when i brought my trombone home, in a better mood, i decided to practice. including today, i practiced, too. but it doesn't fucking help! i practice and practice to find that i can't reach that bloody note which Wenyuan and Leanne can reach so easily. i squeeze and squeeze, i blow and blow to find that i can't fucking reach that note!!

i just practiced until i sweat like mad, even my necklace was wet, my hair was wet, i was drenched. but did it help? hell no! why the hell can't i play that piece.

mr desouza sat next to me during the band prac and asked "Do you think you can reach the notes?" i said "Practice, lah" and he said "Good"

and fuck yes, i've been practicing. but it's not helping. if by thursday i can't play that piece, i'll end up being frustrated and quarreling with leanne again. because none of them fucking wants to help me.

and i don't wanna look lousy in front of mr desouza. first i get third trombone for blue ridge, second i can't play first trombone in big fun in the sun. i look bloody lousy! and i hope i'm not that lousy.

i just dreaded that sectionals so much, because i was tired, and i couldn't play on anymore. and i dread thursday's band prac, too.